You know that feeling you get when you don’t know something? Depending on what is lingering around in your mind right now, you may be experiencing good, or bad, vibrations.

  • Good vibes: you don’t know what’s in that Tiffany’s box sitting on your pillow; you don’t know when he is going to pop-the-question, or you don’t know how much your Christmas bonus is going to be this year – and it was a really good year.
  • Bad vibes : you don’t know what the diagnosis is; you don’t know why your friend is avoiding you, or you don’t know if he really is…The One.

The energy vibrations we receive when not knowing, are cues. They lead us towards discovery. Like when we open the Tiffany’s box, then we will know what is in it. There is a chase that is sparked when we don’t know. But what about people? How do we learn how to know people, to trust people, or to align with people?

When I think about knowing someone, I think about my husband, Michael.

I do not know Michael because his mother gave me a big book about who her son is. His brothers did not write to me about his integrity, his best friend did not share about his loyalty, and his grandfather did not get me up to speed on his character. And surely, his ex-wife did not give me the cliff notes on how he loves.

I know Michael because we have journeyed together. We have failed one another, and we practiced forgiveness. We have missed the mark, and we stuck around to practice a better aim.  We have practiced facing grief and pain together. We have practiced being in step with one another. We have practiced vulnerability while we practiced listening. We have practiced our sexuality while also practicing trust.

There is a journey to intimacy – it starts with a WE and it costs an investment of a lifetime.

Don’t be fooled into thinking there is a “fast track” to knowing or that there is a quick route to closeness. Intimacy is not a race. And it is definitely not on a time schedule.  Intimacy is not a destination, but a voyage. You must first purchase a ticket. Then you kinda have to show up. You have to get on the boat and let it take you out beyond the breakers into the unknown.

The key to intimacy is simple: remain in the understanding that you do not understand everything there is to know. The humility that comes out of knowing how much you don’t know has a hollowing effect. It clears a space for depth and growth,  makes room for trial and error. Humility also sparks a curiosity that stirs us to the start of a chase, a chase along a mysterious path that leads us towards a fullness of life we have not experienced…yet!

Some of us have a big book of miraculous mysteries, second-hand stories, and testimonies of faith. Some of us have been reading these stories our whole lives and yet never feel completely connected and sure in our understanding. So we strive. All the time. We strive. We have made it our life’s work to know more. We even stop living, stop exploring and stand still, hoping that this book will tell us more.

The truth is: no book will ever tell us everything we want to know about someone. We have to journey alongside them. Better yet, we get to. We get to go through the adventure of life, alongside them.

Here’s the catch: we must be willing to put down the book, put down the phone, put away the portrait that has been painted – and just be with them.  It’s a hands-free, eye-to-eye knowing. The more we engage in the journey towards knowing someone, the more we will see how much we don’t know. And isn’t that a sweet relief – to discover that we may never arrive at fully knowing? It leaves us with one very great revelation of the journey towards intimacy: enjoy the chase.



The Creatives: Delia Cadwallader

Creativity:(noun)  the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns,relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms,methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination. 

I always feel a certain sense of enchantment when getting to sneak a peek into the mind and life of a creative person. Whether it’s through an Instagram post that reveals their home decor and plant obsession; catching a glimpse of their bookshelf to see what they are consuming, or discovering one of their playlists on Spotify. There is an intrigue to uncovering a bit of the mystery that accompanies the creatives, the makers, and the artisans.  Continue reading “The Creatives: Delia Cadwallader”

Pain or Personality?


It cannot be denied.

It will be released.

It will have its day in the sun.

You can lock it up, stuff it way down deep, try to ignore it or even temporarily pacify it. But eventually, Pain, in its relentless pursuit of freedom, will let out its voice and demand to be heard. However, Pain is also immensely creative. It is able to be released in many, many, various and differing ways.

How we release our pain, is ours to choose.

Some drink, some smoke, some eat, and some rage, while others soldier on. Some paint, some write, some sing and some strum, while others soak, wade, and wallow.

With so many options, we must remember that we get to choose the way in which we release our pain. Or do we? Does everyone really get to choose, or is the act of choosing reserved for only the sound mind? And what if we are in denial of even possessing some sort of pain, what if we see our behaviors as simply part of our personality that we feel people just need to accept?

Here’s a way to find out: Ask.

Ask your friends, ask your family, ask your children, or ask your spouse. Ask.

Inquire about how you make people feel. Request feedback on your behaviors and your expressions of love towards them. If asked in genuine sincerity, a wonderful thing happens – your people will tell you the truth. Because here’s the thing: expressing criticism is a loathsome, yet necessary, venture. But, when feedback is requested, someone has indicated that they are willing and open to hearing. 

Recently, in one of my communications classes, I had to give a survey to a few close friends and get feedback on my communication skills (aka: listening skills). I sent one to my best friend, gave one to my husband, then gave one to my three children. I carefully prefaced the survey, stating that I surely had not arrived at complete communication gold status, and really just wanted honest feedback.

And that is exactly what they gave me.

A few scores stung a bit, I have to admit, but I was more thrilled that they were truthful, and that they trusted me with their vulnerable honesty. After all, I feed them. They could have very well feared a week of sloppy sandwiches and refried beans for dinner! What a success. We had practiced the art of cultivating authentic relationship through honesty, vulnerability, and trust with one another, and it was good.

I did not say it was comfortable, I said it was good.

Asking your loved ones to evaluate you is both healthy and humbling. It took a lot for me not to react in defense and pick apart their scores (both of which are responses to pain). I had to work extra hard to remain open and soft. But that, for me, was also a practice to the art of curating authentic relationship, and it was good. Again, not comfortable, but good.

Say this: “I have not arrived”.

Congratulations! You have just acknowledged that you have more to learn. This statement is wonderfully deflating to the ego, as it brings us back down to the level of connection to humanity. Back to the ground level. Back to where our two feet are planted on the earth – smack dab next to our brothers and sisters.

To which they may reply: Welcome back.

Sometimes, the celebration of our ego’s deflation is an indication to how far we have floated above others. Rising so far above them, that we are no longer able to see their expressions to our behaviors, or hear their voiced concerns. Sometimes, the celebration of our ego’s deflation comes as a lighthouse beacon shining onto our path, preventing us from crashing into the rocks ahead.

Some relationships can be salvaged, some cannot. But when we take the time, the effort, and courageously make ourselves vulnerable today, we will see the soft blinking lights, those opportunities for development, that arise to prevent a break-down in the future.


Be The Rain

The bad news: some people will continue to clutch their beliefs, their rights, and their (limited) understandings with such a firm grasp until something actually dies. That is why we call it a “death-grip”. Something has to die before we will allow ourselves to let go. What dies may be compassion, a relationship, love, or even another human being.

The good news: there are people all around you who are learning how to be better listeners, better communicators, more flexible in their (limited) understandings, and more willing to remain united amidst diverse thinking.

The great news: you get to choose who you want to become and what tribe you want to run with.

RELIGION is the rules, regulations, ceremonies, and rituals, developed by man to create conformity and uniformity in the approach to God.

SPIRITUALITY is God’s call in your soul.

– Iyanla Vanzant

When Belief Speaks

We hold our beliefs so dear, so close to our heart. We cradle them, tenderly, like a newborn babe. And we defend them as fiercely as a mama bear, when we sense they are being threatened.

There are so many issues to advocate for: guns, abortion, education, or politics. You see, we have these rights and we must defend them. But to what extent? What happens when a right or a belief becomes an obstacle to unity, love and true freedom? Continue reading “When Belief Speaks”